


This Is Gonna Hurt

by asrewrites



Series: Songfics by Asre [2]
Category: Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Gen, Not Marvel Cinematic Universe Phase Two Compliant, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 22:23:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14724701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asrewrites/pseuds/asrewrites
Summary: This was written for a songfic challenge. The song is Kate Bush's Running Up That Hill.





	This Is Gonna Hurt

As a shadow, your job was to stay hidden, follow the leader and take up the slack. In the 8 months that you’d been assigned to Barnes, the ‘most official name’ he preferred; you’d rarely needed to fire your weapon. More often then not it was just you trailing after him at a brisk pace as he carved his way through whatever the current mission threw at him. Generally, the two of you travelled, debriefed and lived together while on missions. It was required by the powers that be that someone keep an eye on Barnes at all times and even though Captain America existed and volunteered it was decided that there should be another presence.

You’d been chosen for your skill set and your powers. As a shadow recruit, you’d been seen as a better option than some others as you had enhanced abilities. You had the ability to project an aura that could quite effectively protect you and others in a certain radius, to the point of killing anyone touched by the aura’s edges – but only if they were not included in your intent to protect. There were many people considered for the ‘job’, but in the end, you’d won because of the aura and because Barnes himself said that you were compact enough to not really get in the way. After seeing him fight, most people understood that to mean that in the thick of things you were less likely to get hurt by his fighting style.

Barnes often referred to you as his punishment when he was grumpy about going on a mission with backup, which was always. He’d picked you himself after a week of watching the shadow recruits train and reviewing several people’s files and mission recordings. As a shadow, you were trained to be silent and deadly, much like an assassin which Barnes understood. You had high-level skills in many levels of weaponry, and in hand to hand combat and demolitions. Barnes would sometimes make cracks about you blowing shit up, to give him a distraction. So far, you had never bothered. He was more than capable of creating enough distraction himself.

On this mission, things were off. The entire team seemed frazzled and things went wrong from the time you’d entered the building. You had two objectives on every mission, keep Barnes safe and take him down if he somehow got triggered. From the second you’d entered the building there had been loudspeakers throwing all manner of words and instructions out everywhere you went. More than once you saw Barnes flinch, even stumble. He was distracted and he’d gotten a bit beaten up, even slashed by one opponent before you shot the knife out of their hand. He was sweating and looking a bit wild but he seemed on mission and he kept calling out his confirmation word to verify he was in control.

You picked off some incoming unfriendlies that were trying to flank you both when you heard Barnes scream. You’d spun towards his position to see him falling to the floor. You took out the person advancing on Barnes while shooting him with a .50 calibre hand cannon. Fucking Desert Eagles you thought as the mark fell and you moved to Barnes who was partially on the floor and partially on top of a few bodies he’d felled. You called it in, “Man down.” Rogers was on the comm immediately demanding info. You moved closer as Barnes rolled towards you.

**_“It doesn’t hurt me_ **  
**_Do you want to feel how it feels?_ **  
**_Do you want to know that it doesn’t hurt me?_ **  
**_Do you want to hear about the deal that I’m making?_ **  
**_You, it’s you and me”_ **

You tried to shush him as he talked and you assessed the big holes on his torso and leg. Well, that explained why he was on the floor. He was already healing a bit, the damn rounds had gone right through him, his armour doing nothing but accentuate the areas he was currently bleeding from. He was panting and sweating, trying to catch your hands as you tore open his emergency medical pack and then your own. They always sent this stuff that would stop bleeding, but you weren’t sure that there would be enough between the two of you to fill all the holes. You weren’t moving frantically but your mind was, calculating his potential blood loss for every second you wasted trying to get around him to the wounds he was actively trying to keep you from. He caught your hand in mid-spray on the third wound. You growled and tried to pull away, these were only the entrances, the exits wounds hadn’t even gotten looked at. He held you tightly until you looked at him

**_“And if I only could_ **  
**_I’d make a deal with God_ **  
**_And I’d get him to swap our places_ **  
**_Be running up that road_ **  
**_Be running up that hill_ **  
**_Be running up that building_ **  
**_See if I only could, oh,”_ **

Barnes wheezed and coughed, dropping your hand and you went back to work on the remaining entry wounds, cursing as your can of bio-foam ran out and you had to start his. He chuckled and brushed the hair from your face. Barnes was always a bit odd, but what he was saying was probably the weirdest thing that you’d ever heard from anyone ever. Even in stories wounded men rarely waxed poetic about deals with God. Maybe he was mistaking you for someone else. Maybe he was talking to Rogers on the comm. It was alive with chatter, worried voices all demanding information. There were many casualties and Rogers had gotten pinned down heading towards you. You were getting worried about being called away before you patched Barnes up enough to move him but you shoved that aside as you hefted him over to start closing the exit points.

Barnes gasped and then giggled. He was covered in blood and it was still oozing from his wounds back there. He pointed to the holes in the wall behind him as he spoke and your eyes flicked from his wounds to the deep marks he touched as he spoke. It was and wasn’t good that he was talking. Talking meant that he was coherent but what he said was off-putting, it gave you a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach and you wanted to change the subject but what was there to turn to?

**_“You don’t want to hurt me_ **  
**_But see how deep the bullet lies_ **  
**_Unaware I’m tearing you asunder_ **  
**_Ooh, there is thunder in our hearts.”_ **

As long as he was talking he was still alive you told yourself as you tried to shake off the way his breathing slowed and his words were slurred. What was worse, not doing this fast enough or seeing the look on the team’s face when they got there to find that you failed to keep Barnes alive. The med spray was out, both yours and his, so you tore off a piece of his pant leg and used it to cover the last wound in the back of his leg, after tearing it to strips. Barnes had propped himself up and in a surreal way, looked as if he was striking a modelling pose as he watched you assess him. He held out his hand, arching it to offer his wrist, somehow knowing you wanted to get a read on his heart rate. He watched you with those cool eyes of his, blinking slowly now and then as you shot him full of some painkillers, some antibiotics and some other special drug in his kit for super soldiers. It had his name on it, there was also a syringe in there for Rogers and Romanov.

You didn’t want to think about that as you stood and shook out one of those silver sheets that were meant to keep people possibly close to or in shock warm – and because of Stark they also repelled bullets and knives. It was important to keep Barnes comfortable until Rogers could get there, No one wanted you to move him after getting a look at your feed. For his part Barnes was cooperative, and he helped you move him so he could sit up back against the wall so he was better covered by his blanket and then yours. He smiled at you softly as he started to talk again. He reached out his hand to you, pulling you gently towards him so you sat down at his side and crossed your arms. All you could do now was wait, and you both knew it.

**_“Is there so much hate for the ones we love?_ **  
**_Tell me, we both matter, don’t we?_ **  
**_You, it’s you and me_ **  
**_It’s you and me won’t be unhappy.”_ **

He pried your hand free and brought it to his lips to kiss it as he rambled.  It really looked like his eyes were smiling at you though he was pale and your heart lurched at the thought that he might not be able to recover from this before it killed him. What would you do if that happened?

Barnes wasn’t your first assignment, he wouldn’t even be the first to be killed in the line of duty, but he was the first to always know where you were. To pull you out of the shadows and into his life, no matter how unwilling you were at first. You had become friends. Barnes wasn’t ready for more, he had reservations about his mental health. His ability to be triggered and harm others ate at him. It gave him nightmares and social anxiety. At first you thought he was just talking to himself on missions until he asked a few questions he didn’t answer. Then you knew he was talking to you.

It took you a while to consider the questions and a while later you answered him. He looked shocked and then smiled the brightest smile you had ever seen. It changed your relationship, that interaction. It had made things easier when you were alone together. He would just randomly talk about things, or ask questions. Some nights the two of you surfed the net learning things about popular culture, so neither of you were too far out of touch. You looked over at him to find him watching you. He was looking worse instead of better. He smirked at you and suddenly you could hear his earlier words in your head: 

_**“And if I only could** _  
_**I’d make a deal with God** _  
_**And I’d get him to swap our places** _  
_**Be running up that road** _  
_**Be running up that hill** _  
_**Be running up that building.”** _

He moved and grimaced before he actually spoke again. He took your chin in his metal fingers, keeping you from looking away from him as he whispered.

_**"Say, if I only could, oh** _  
**_You_ **  
**_It’s you and me_ **  
**_It’s you and me won’t be unhappy.”_ **

He wiped a stray tear from your cheek, you didn’t even feel it escape while you looked at him. You’d gotten too close to Barnes, you cared too much about this man and it seemed that he cared for you. With every word, he said things got a little worse if this was his time how were you going to survive the loss? You watched him closely as your mind struggled with this.  He seemed to be having a hard time keeping his eyes open and his breathing was even more shallow. You didn’t want to worry, you just pulled him closer and let him rest his head against your shoulder. He sighed and you could almost remember the first time he’d said  “It’s you and me kid.”

It had been on a mission, somehow Banner’s parachute had tangled in a tree and the two of you had been tasked with shooting the thing out of the tree so it wasn’t giving away your position. In the end, it had been a fun little competition where you both taught the other a few tricks with the see me do it, then you do it method of instruction that seemed to just naturally occur between you. Later, when you were picking off sentries from a makeshift foxhole Barnes had promised that he would always keep you as safe as you kept him because fair was fair.

You panicked when you realised he’d stopped breathing. You pushed him down and straddled his chest, going as hard at CPR as you could and you felt a rib snap as you pumped away on his chest. At some point Rogers arrived as you furiously tried to get Barnes to breathe, forcing your breath into his lungs and pumping his chest. You knew you were no longer needed as you were pulled off Barnes and tossed aside. Rogers took over, Banner started taking syringes from Romanov and you watched from your spot on the floor opposite them, all the while your mind was churning over Barnes’ words and adding your own. All you could think was

 ** _“C'mon, baby, c'mon darling_**  
**_Let me steal this moment from you now_**  
**_C'mon, angel,_** c'mon ** _,_** c'mon ** _, darling_**  
**_Let’s exchange the experience, oh_**  
**_And if I only could_**  
**_I’d make a deal with God_**  
**_And I’d get him to swap our places_**  
**_Be running up that road_**  
**_Be running up that hill_**  
**_With no problems_**  
**_So if I only could_**  
**_I’d make a deal with God_**  
**_And I’d get him to swap our places_**  
**_Be running up that road_**  
**_Be running up that hill_**  
**_With no problems…..”_**

They started to move him and you got up and followed. Rogers was too big, so you had no idea if Barnes was breathing again or not, but the compressions had stopped and everyone moved quickly. You grabbed up his weapons and followed them back to the Quinjet. You let a tear or two slip free before taking a deep breath as you moved into position to guard their retreat. Barnes’ weapon was heavier then you were used to, but it also reassured you that you were doing what he would do in your place. The way that everyone acted reassured you that Barnes was still alive and you still had a job to do. You picked off two incoming men with your aura, they had seemed to think they were being quiet and sneaking up on your group. Taking them out had you barely get into the plane before the ramp closed and the bird was in the air.

You racked up all the weapons before taking a seat by the table they had Barnes on. The monitors were off. No reassuring beeps or lines greeted you. His eyes were closed and the others were all talking quietly in the cockpit area. You didn’t check his breathing or pulse you just took his hand, giving it a kiss before you sat on the ground by the table to wait. Either his hand would warm up again or it wouldn’t. Until then you just heard his earlier repeating words over and over in your head and they became you most solemn wish and prayer.

_**“So if I only could** _  
_**I’d make a deal with God**_  
_**And I’d get him to swap our places**_  
_**Be running up that road**_  
_**Be running up that hill**_  
_**With no problems**_  
_**So if I only could**_  
_**Be running up that hill**_  
_**With no problems**_  
_**(If I only could, I’d be running up that hill)**_  
_**(If I only could, I’d be running up that hill).”**_


End file.
